I’m pretty good at looking normal.
Every day I sign into my day job and work from home. I answer calls, talk to people and do what I’m supposed to do. Nobody on the other end of the phone really knows what is happening in my head.
As long as I sign in and get through the day, it looks like I’m doing okay.
Some days I am ... Other days, not as much.
I’m not using drugs anymore, but I am still drinking. I know that means I’m not completely sober. I guess I’ve been calling myself a functioning drinker because I still work, show up and take care of basic things.
But functioning doesnt always mean you’re okay. Sometimes it just means nobody can see the problem yet.
When I was using drugs, I experienced psychosis. Separating fiction from reality became really difficult. Even now, looking back and trying to figure out what was real during those periods can be confusing.
The psychosis stopped when I stopped using drugs, but that doesnt mean everything in my head suddenly became easy.
I still deal with anxiety, overthinking and days where I feel completely disconnected. I can be answering a work call like everything is normal, then sit in silence afterward wondering how I’m going to make it through the rest of the day.
Drinking can feel like the smaller problem because I compare it to where I was before.
I’m not using cocaine. I’m not experiencing psychosis. I’m signing into work every day and doing what I’m supposed to do.
So part of me wants to say this must be fine.
But I know it isnt.
Being a functioning drinker doesnt mean drinking is safe or that I’m completely in recovery. It only means I have been able to hide the damage better.
Stopping drugs was a huge step, but it wasnt the finish line. If I want to call myself sober, I have to be honest about the alcohol too.
I’m not writing this because I have it all figured out. I’m writing it because I know the next step is working toward not drinking at all. That means asking for support, being honest when I’m struggling and not waiting until alcohol takes everything drugs already tried to take.
You dont have to completely fall apart before your allowed to ask for help. Sometimes the first step is admitting that functioning is not the same as being okay. My recovery isnt finished.
But I’m still taking steps toward it.