I wish I could say I got sober once and that was it. Nice clean story. Bad years, big realization, recovery, credits roll. Thats not how mine went.
My addictions were gambling, booze and shrooms. I could stay away from one thing, then convince myself something else wasnt a problem. If I wasnt drinking, I thought gambling was fine. If I wasnt gambling, I could tell myself getting high once in awhile didnt count. I was always moving the line so I could pretend I hadnt crossed it.
Gambling was probably the easiest one to hide from myself. Every loss felt like something I could fix with one more bet. I wasnt chasing money anymore, I was chasing the feeling that maybe the next one would erase everything that came before it. It never did.
Booze made it easier not to care about the losses. Shrooms made me feel like I was understanding something deeper about myself, when alot of the time I was just avoiding the obvious. I had a problem. More than one actually.
Recently, I relapsed. There wasnt some huge dramatic reason. No single moment I can point at and blame. I just started making small deals with myself again.
One drink doesnt count. One bet wont matter. One night isnt the same as going back. But it was going back.The hardest part wasnt admitting I had used again. It was telling the people who believed I was doing better. I knew the look before I even told them—the disappointment mixed with worry, and that question nobody really wants to ask:
“Are we doing this all over again?” Honestly, I didnt know. I still dont have some perfect answer. What I do know is that hiding it would only let it grow. So I’m starting again, and I’m trying to do it without pretending the days before the relapse meant nothing. They still mattered.
Recovery isnt a winning streak that gets erased by one loss. But I also know I cant use that as an excuse to keep placing bets against myself. So this is where I am.
Not fixed. Not giving up either. I relapsed, I admitted it and now I have to do the boring part again—being honest, accepting help and making better decisions when nobody is watching.
It isnt a great ending. Good thing this isnt the end. I'll keep on keeping on with music.