I got really good at saying “I’m fine” before I even knew what fine was supposed to feel like.
It became an automatic answer.
How are you?
I’m fine.
Everything okay at home?
Yeah, its fine.
Even when absolutely nothing was fine.
Growing up I learned that telling the truth didnt always make things better. My mom drank, boyfriends came and went and the mood in our house could change really fast.
Sometimes admitting that I was scared or upset only gave people something else to be angry about.
So I stopped explaining.
I learned how to read the room, stay quiet and make myself easy to deal with. If somebody was in a bad mood I stayed out of the way.
If something happened I wrote about it later, usually in a notebook nobody else would ever see.
People thought I was independent.
Really I just stopped believing anyone was coming to help.
By the time I was a teenager pretending had become normal. I could put on an oversized hoodie, go wherever I needed to go and act like the night before didnt happen.
When I ran away at fifteen, people saw a difficult teenager. They didnt see how tired I was, or that leaving felt easier than staying.
Later addiction became another kind of pretending.
I told people I was okay while I was losing track of days, relationships and parts of myself. I avoided messages because answering meant explaining where I had been.
I stayed away from people who knew me well because they could tell when something was wrong.
The more I struggled the more exhausting it became to keep everybody from noticing.
You have to remember which story you told.
You have to smile at the right time.
You have to answer enough messages that nobody worries.
And you have to keep saying “I’m just tired” when someone gets too close to the truth.
And you are tired.
Just not for the reason they think.
Recovery has forced me to stop doing that as much. I’m still not great at it.
Sometimes someone asks how I am and “fine” comes out before I even check if its true.
I dont think we always lie because we want to fool people.
Sometimes “I’m fine” means I dont know where to start.
Sometimes it means I’m scared you wont understand, or that you will understand and look at me differently.
Sometimes it just means I dont have the energy to unpack everything today.
But pretending has a cost.
You can spend so much time making everyone believe you’re okay that eventually nobody knows you need help.
Then you feel abandoned by people who honestly thought you were fine, because thats what you kept telling them.
I’m trying to replace “I’m fine” with something more honest.
“I’m having a hard day.”
“I dont really want to talk yet, but I’m not okay.”
“I need someone around.”
It doesnt have to be a huge confession. You dont have to explain your entire life in one conversation.
But maybe you can tell one person the truth.
Pretending you’re fine might get you through the moment. I know it did for me alot of times.
You just shouldnt have to live there forever.
Kelsey Rodgers
💜