I tried to quit more times than I can count. I would stop for a few days, sometimes longer, and convince myself that meant I had control. Then I would do it again, thinking this time would somehow be different.
It never was.
One more time always became another time. Before long, I was hiding things, making excuses and promising everybody ... including myself ... that tomorrow would be different.
For years, I thought addiction was mostly destroying my life. I was the one using, feeling sick and losing control. I was so focused on what was happening to me that I couldn’t really see what it was doing to everybody around me.
The song “Monster” was written about my son’s mother and what she must have seen when she looked at me.
“I am the abuser, the user, the addict you don’t know.”
That line is about becoming a stranger to somebody who once knew you.
She could probably still see pieces of the person I had been, but she was also dealing with the lies, broken promises and the person addiction was turning me into. I kept saying I loved her while my actions were creating fear, anger and exhaustion.
Another line says: “Pull on your strings and make you do the things I want you to do.”
It is difficult to admit how manipulative addiction can make you. I wanted people to stay, forgive me and believe the next promise. I wanted their support without accepting responsibility for what I was putting them through.
I thought I was the one suffering, but they were suffering beside me.
They worried when I disappeared. They had to decide whether I was telling the truth. They watched for changes in my voice, my eyes and the way I acted. My son’s mother also had to protect herself and our son while watching me repeat the same choices.
I didn’t understand how exhausting it must have been to love somebody you could no longer trust.
The song later says:
“And when everything is over, I am no hero. I’ll wake up in the morning without you.”
Addiction can make you feel like everybody abandoned you. Looking back, I can see that some people were not abandoning me—they were trying to survive the damage I was causing.
That was hard to accept.
Recovery wasn’t only about quitting drugs and alcohol. It was about finally seeing the damage through somebody else’s eyes. It meant understanding that my addiction became part of their lives too, even though they never chose it.
I cannot repair all of that with one apology. Trust does not return just because I finally decided to change.
All I can do is keep showing through my actions that I am trying to become different. I can be honest, show up and stop expecting people to heal on my schedule.
The hardest part was realizing I wasn’t the only person addiction hurt.
The most important part is making sure I never forget that again.
You can listen to the original “Monster” by following the link below.
update: you can listen to the alternative version of "Monster" (skeleton Sessions) by clicking HERE.